Friend: I keep debating, should I get something sweet and girly or something cool?

Me: I don’t know, I’m partial to girly, but you could also go the tough route.

And that was the time one of us was talking about steering wheel covers and the other was talking about vibrators.


Every time I see the update “So-and-so and whoever are now friends” on Facebook I get the overwhelming urge to leave a comment like “Really? That guy?!?  Barf!” or something similar.

They really need to add a comment button for those.

I’ve decided to bring back “Fluffy Animal Tuesdays”!  In this week’s edition I present to you the 2 most terrified dogs on the planet:

I actually think "Sharkbait" would be a very good name for a dog.

The worst part for you is that the dog pees on you the whole time. The worst part for the dog is they have no comprehension of parachutes, so for him, it's all over.

  1. Husband wants to move to South Dakota.  Wife, like everyone, isn’t sure where that is.
  2. Couple can’t agree on what to eat for dinner.  It’s tearing them apart!!
  3. Husband raises foxes.  Wife has a henhouse.  Uh oh.
  4. Husband claims wife should do all the cleaning because her gender is genetically better at it!  (Anyone want to bet this one turns up in Season 2?)

To add insult to injury he picked the WORST train

Moby Dick, or The Fish

(500 pages into the story)

It was the mildest of warm nights the night before last.  Warm enough to make any Godly man think of spring, and extend kindness to his fellow beings on this planet.  For it is a rugged and cursed man who can be iron hearted in the face of such a warm and pleasant evening.  Men such as these are found, but that will be expanded more fully later in this tale.  The breeze gusted from the north with enough force to keep away the mosquitos, those heathens of the southern seas that man from the Americas was not made to withstand, at bay.  It must be that they are blown inland, to tend their nests in the murky bowels of the rainforest and leave good sailors at peace.

During this pleasant evening our entire countenance was focused on one preoccupation – catching the small brown fish!  Such a fish – it is called ‘snapper’ by the common fisherman and I see no need to Google it’s scientific name.  For what can the experience of scientists in their labs and coats without a specimen in sight tell us in comparison to the experiences of real fisherman!

(skip forward 2,000 pages)

At last we had the beast on our cutting board, ready for the slaughter.  (Though I should not call us slaughterers since our pursuit was wholly noble and without any barbarous men present).  In order to present it’s true length we placed a Metrocard on the board to photograph the specimen – knowing that this would be a memory worthy of sharing with all interested parties, children and grandchildren to be sure!  Immediately after the photo, as the shutter slid back in place with the reassuring click these devices have the mischievous subject, our snapper supper, up and jumped on the J train toward Brooklyn!

The End

pg. 2,511

Back in January I wanted to make sure I’d be able to keep-up the anti-inspirational calendar pages for the year to come.  I even went to a few places and asked if they had calendars with inspirational quotes on them…. it was one of the more embarrassing things I’ve done.


For all those times when things get so horrible you just need to throw them away:

AND it's a thong? Sheesh.