Did my boss out me as an alien on Friday??

Coworker: I don’t know how I feel about the G train, though I hear it’s getting better.  I even see real people on it sometimes.

Me: Hey!  I take the G train and let me tell you, it’s full of real human beings.

Boss: Are you sure about that Joanna?

 

August is finally here!

Well then I'm as realistic as they come!

 

I’ll just be in that diaper I mentioned last time

Did you know that as a dress code, Informal means “dark suits for him, short dresses for her”?  As far as confusing things go, this one is really out there.  The wording seems like it could ONLY have been invented to mess with people my age who don’t know any better.  

While we’re on the subject I wish I’d chosen Morning Dress for my wedding dress code.  It’s the old-time-iest thing I’ve ever seen.  (It means old fashioned suits with tails OR Scottish Kilts, whichever the guest prefers.  Huh?!?!)

 

This is getting pretty personal

I’ll admit it – when I’m trying to make a compelling argument I’ll sometimes tell lies to make my point.  It isn’t intentional, and it certainly isn’t meant to trick somebody, but in the heat of the moment I think I even sell myself on things that aren’t true. 

Like the time I tried to explain what Marfan’s disease was to my roommates: “You know, Marfan’s Disease: Abraham Lincoln died of it!… Oh shit”

 

Top 3 Times I Put my Foot in my Mouth

Presented in order of how uncomfortable the moment was!

3. In high school I complimented a girl on how great her teeth were: “Holy cow, you have amazing teeth!  They’re so perfect!”….

A horse had kicked her in the face and her entire mouth (in fact the entire lower half of her face) was artificial.

2. In college I was talking with a coworker about the city I grew up near and how crappy it was – “a ghost town“, “aging“, and “just plain junk“….

Her father was the city planner of the town.

1. My senior year I was talking to a nutrition major about how hard it must be to find meaningful work in the field, because if you aren’t careful you wind up “selling your soul & making junk food for Nabisco”…

She had just accepted a job in the snack department of Nabisco.

 

One of the best nights ever!

When I was in 9th grade my youth group decided to have a “homeless night”.  The idea was that we would all sleep in boxes in the church parking lot and then go door-to-door the next day to talk about our experience and collect food + clothing for the homeless.  There were a few key problems with this idea:

1. It was November (in upstate NY)
2. It was the first co-ed sleepover any of us had ever been to
3. People just aren’t as willing to talk to you when it looks like you slept in a box the night before
4. It rained a lot

So what did I learn about being homeless?  Well, it turns out that it’s really really cold outside, but if it rains hard enough you get to come inside to sleep after all!  Oh, and there’s some kissing, and if you’re lucky then Jessica’s dad let her borrow the portable TV so things aren’t too boring.   Remember to bring candy!

 

Oh shit

 

I’m not one to judge – I own binoculars.

People watching: Pleasant past-time?  Or gateway drug for stalking?

You decide…

 

Warning: Warnings

The back of my new microwave has a great warning —

 

That way you could literally pee your pants at the thought of lifelong commitment

Wedding diapers are a thing.  They’re diapers for women whose wedding dresses are so big & elaborate that they won’t be able to use the bathroom during their wedding.   Knowing that fact has given me a new perspective on weddings, and now it is my gift to you.  Enjoy the next wedding you go to!

(Also, I’d like to make it clear that I discovered this fact while browsing a wedding message board on a totally unrelated, non-gross topic.)