Gripe gripe gripe. Screech bang crash.

Today I received a ticket for running a red light. How you ask?  Well, it was mailed pictures from a  streetlight camera.  I had no idea that those things existed in the US!  (I should also point out that the ticket was for turning left after a light had turned red – I stand by my decision on this one).   My options are to either be really really careful from now on, or think of it as an “expediency tax” for getting around at a reasonable pace in NYC.  I can’t say which I’m going to choose – lest it be used against me in a court of law – but if you want me to come over your house to talk about it I can be there in 5 minutes flat.  No matter where you are.

Why can’t we take a lesson from our parent country and put clear warning signs before the lights that have traffic cameras?

The hitch is that only people born before 1900 recognize this as a camera and know to slow down.

 

Yeah. Get real.

So my haitus in August started not because of the wedding, but because I was blind.  An eye injury from my contact lenses left me without sight (or more importantly without blogging capacity) for 10 days.  Egads!  From this time I have some blind stories saved up, which are going to start coming out over the next few weeks.

When my vision came back it was a slow going.  During a train ride I saw (fuzzily) a sign that said:

Next is anal     ?  Get real.

And that was it, the entire poster.  Now, I’ll admit that there was probably some graffiti action there that my visual acuity was not strong enough to decipher. But I want to let that graffiti artist know that for semi-blind people it looked perfect!

Also, even if it that poster had been in tact it probably still would have been pretty silly.

 

Graffiti

When I was a kid my mom had a cork- board hanging near the telephone that all of us kids loved to carve into with pens.  I was nervous about getting busted, so I always carved my older brother’s name (Bobby) or things I thought my brothers would say.  Seeing as Bob was 13 and I was 6 I’m really not sure who I thought I was kidding with that handwriting.

I actually got busted with for some graffiti last summer in my apartment.  While we were watching a parade out the window Ben discovered the phrase “Joanna is pretty great” carved into the outside of the windowsill, a few weeks old.  I like that not only did I write about myself on the windowsill, but I also decided to put a modifier to make sure nobody made a mistake and thought I was great, just pretty great.

 

Top 3 Times I Put my Foot in my Mouth

Presented in order of how uncomfortable the moment was!

3. In high school I complimented a girl on how great her teeth were: “Holy cow, you have amazing teeth!  They’re so perfect!”….

A horse had kicked her in the face and her entire mouth (in fact the entire lower half of her face) was artificial.

2. In college I was talking with a coworker about the city I grew up near and how crappy it was – “a ghost town“, “aging“, and “just plain junk“….

Her father was the city planner of the town.

1. My senior year I was talking to a nutrition major about how hard it must be to find meaningful work in the field, because if you aren’t careful you wind up “selling your soul & making junk food for Nabisco”…

She had just accepted a job in the snack department of Nabisco.

 

One of the best nights ever!

When I was in 9th grade my youth group decided to have a “homeless night”.  The idea was that we would all sleep in boxes in the church parking lot and then go door-to-door the next day to talk about our experience and collect food + clothing for the homeless.  There were a few key problems with this idea:

1. It was November (in upstate NY)
2. It was the first co-ed sleepover any of us had ever been to
3. People just aren’t as willing to talk to you when it looks like you slept in a box the night before
4. It rained a lot

So what did I learn about being homeless?  Well, it turns out that it’s really really cold outside, but if it rains hard enough you get to come inside to sleep after all!  Oh, and there’s some kissing, and if you’re lucky then Jessica’s dad let her borrow the portable TV so things aren’t too boring.   Remember to bring candy!

 

What a hoot that stuff was!

Today at a work conference I grabbed a bag of potato chips from the afternoon snack basket.  About half-way through the bag I noticed that they were low fat chips made with Olean.  That’s when I thought to myself:

“Isn’t that the stuff that makes you poop your pants?”

 

Fireworks? Nope… firedon’tworks

I went to the July Fourth fireworks tonight only to discover it was so cloudy & foggy that you couldn’t see anything – you could see the spark go up from the ground, hear the explosion, and see absolutely nothing.  It was an interesting choice.

To make up for the disappointment, my goal is to double the amount of candy I grab at tomorrow’s parade.  It’s an ambitious goal considering the economic times.  There may be less candy thrown from firetrucks compared to last year, but I think with enough focus, willpower, and sheer tenacity I can make it happen.  You need to have clear goals to strive for in order to succeed, and I’m staking mine here tonight.

Parents – be sure to keep your kids out of my way.  I’m a candy-stealing machine!

 

Wipeout

While biking home today I was weaving inbetween a line of parked cars on my right and cars stuck at a stoplight on my left (suckers).  Up ahead I spotted a car that there was no way I could get around — it was just too close to the parked cars.  So I started to pull up on the brake…. only to discover it was jammed.  Holy shit!

In that moment there were a number of things that went through my mind:

1. Stop the Bike- I was going pretty fast, so I stuck my leg out to drag on the tires of the parked cars.  Ok, check.
2. You are Going to Hit a Car - Despite my attempts to slow down, I knew I was going to have to hit a car.  I considered whether it was better to hit a car with a person in it and sort it out or go for a parked car (i.e. moral grey area) and I decided to go with the car with people in it.  Ok, moral decision established, check.
3. Are You Going to Have to Pay for This? – Even in the moment of reconing, I was pretty worried that the accident would be expensive.  Ok, worried, check.
4. Ugh – This one is pretty self-explanatory.

When the time came I hit the side of a minivan, kept up a good amount of speed and drove into an empty spot on the curb to stop myself.  The minivan seemed ok and, to my surprise the woman gave a quick wave of “it’s fine” and drove off.  Holy shit!  I think I just hit the car belonging to the most jaded woman in the world!  Just in case she changed her mind I turned off the road and took a different route home.  I can think of nothing more awkward than having to stand next to the person whose car you just hit at the next stoplight…

And that, my friends, was my crazy day!

 

I actually really like going to the dentist

For some reason, going to the dentist just makes me start lying.  I think the whole flossing thing (i.e. not doing it) puts me on the defensive and prevents my mouth from communicating with my brain. 

A few years back I was at the dentist and he gave me something to swish around in my mouth for 30 seconds.  When time was up he told me I was done and I swollowed the small amount of fluid.  The dentist’s back was turned, and as he turned around he said “You didn’t swallow that did you?”

To which I replied: “No”

I didn’t want to stress out the dentist with this little detail, and it felt like the “You floss, don’t you?” question (where you should always answer yes).  The dentist seemed relieved, and I was relieved too.  All-in-all not a bad dentist visit.

Holy smokes was I sick on the walk home.   

 

I’m no meteorologist, but I think I could get this one right

Most mornings I check the little weather thing on my phone to see what it’s like outside before I get dressed.  It reads from a weather station right by my house, so it seems fairly accurate.  Today there was a 30% chance of rain which, coincidentally, is my least favorite percentage of precipitation odds.  If it climbs much above 30% I’ll suck it up and bring an umbrella.  Less and rain isn’t too much of a concern.  But something about the number 30% means it’s probably not going to rain but it really could rain.  I feel like the weatherman is forcing me to make a prediction instead of doing his job.

Anyhow, there wasn’t much suspense to the forecast since it was raining when I got outside.