Too soon?

 

Teen girl discovered to have super-human tolerance to pain

 Now, I think they’ve gotten this story slightly wrong, so here’s the more accurate version:

Teen Girl Thinks Everyone Else in the World is an Idiot

In a shocking story out of Belgium, a teen girl thinks everyone else in the world is an idiot.  The girls beliefs became apparent when she announced to the ’dimwitted’ world that she was sleeping while her eyes, nose, cheeks and ears were heavily tattooed.  Despite the evidence written all over her face, she claims to have had no awareness that the tattoos were placed there, and is suing the ‘total retard’ at the tattoo parlor for damages.  Like many teens, she believes that her ‘brain dead’ parents, teachers, neighbors and everyone else are ’stupid enough to believe just about anything they hear.’  The case has yet to go to court, where we’ll see if the jury are the ‘total dopes’ she suspects them to be.

 

This means war

Dear City of New York,

I just wanted to let you know that for only 75% of your allotted budget – a mere $75,000 – I’m pretty sure I could kill 2000 geese.   

I hope you will consider my offer.

 

April 2005 in Review

Now, I haven’t really admitted this before… and this is a sensitive subject, so brace yourself and hold off judgement until the end.  OK – I’m just going to throw it on out there:

I didn’t know about Hurricane Katrina for 2 weeks after it happened

I was really busy.  There were a lot of things going on that led to my perfect-storm of ignorance.  I was finishing up college, I’m not that into the news, and I literally lived in a house out in the middle of the woods.  I can think of few other times in my life when I was as cut-off from the world as then, and it just had to be the time a major national tragedy happened.     

About two weeks after the storm was my spring break (wet t-shirt contests!  woo!) .  I visited my parents (uh oh – wet t-shirt contests?) and we went to my kid brother’s soccer game.  Some club came around with cans to raise money for the “victims of Hurricane Katrina” to which I responded: “Oh, there was a hurricane?”  It turns out that you should never, never ask this in response to a fundraiser.  Everybody within earshot turned around to investigate the girl who was either making a horribly offensive joke or lived under a rock. 

My parents laughed it off and kindly explained to me that I was a dope and they would be informing my entire family of that fact.  I don’t think I could get away with not knowing major national news for two weeks these days – but those sweet days of being ill-informed were pretty great.

 

Recession Depression

Talk about a recession indicator to end all others:

For this year’s NYC fleet week there are only going to be 13 ships in port – meaning less than half as many women will wind up making bad choices for cute guys in uniform.

 

WWJD? … File for Chapter 7

 

Its not often I’m ahead of the news, so I hope you haven’t heard about this yet:

I, for one, think its a darn shame they wouldn’t give that man a phone book. 

Aaaahh! Sound the media frenzy alarm!