My Month-long Hiatus is Over

Things I know about sea turtles:

1. They eat sea grass.
2. People kill them to use their shell for jewelry and such.
3. They lay eggs on the beach.
4. They love interrupting wedding vows.  It’s their favorite thing to do.

Even as a little girl I dreamed of being upstaged by a sea-turtle at my wedding

Now it’s back to life (and blogging) as usual.

 

Top 3 Times I Put my Foot in my Mouth

Presented in order of how uncomfortable the moment was!

3. In high school I complimented a girl on how great her teeth were: “Holy cow, you have amazing teeth!  They’re so perfect!”….

A horse had kicked her in the face and her entire mouth (in fact the entire lower half of her face) was artificial.

2. In college I was talking with a coworker about the city I grew up near and how crappy it was – “a ghost town“, “aging“, and “just plain junk“….

Her father was the city planner of the town.

1. My senior year I was talking to a nutrition major about how hard it must be to find meaningful work in the field, because if you aren’t careful you wind up “selling your soul & making junk food for Nabisco”…

She had just accepted a job in the snack department of Nabisco.

 

Things I have done for free food

We all love free things, but there’s really something about free food that is above and beyond the rest.  It’s like free staying-alive-stuff, which nobody can turn down.  So, without further ado, I present my list of things I have done for free food:

• Joined Hillel (not Jewish)
• Agreed to do Costco runs for my office
• Went to a jewelry store opening
• Sneaked into graduations
• Sneaked into graduation parties
• Kept going to Hillel meetings
• Stayed late at work
• Worked on a Saturday
• Worked on a Sunday
• Sold my soul

 

Trivia Facts. Finally, you can impress your friends!

I don’t have the heart to re-write the post WordPress failed to save earlier today.  Instead, enjoy these 5 fun facts! 

1. The sport with the highest rate of anorexia is men’s Alpine Ski Jump. 
2. There are two tribes of killer whale.  One kind only eats fish and the other only eats seals.  The two varieties refuse to socialize or mate with each other, so they may be classified as different species.
3. The Jews didn’t build the pyramids.  Its a myth.
4.  If you wind up stranded in a desert you should drink whenever you’re thirsty until you run out.  You should never ration your water.
5. The underbelly of a Mercedes is dimpled the exact same way as a golf ball. 

 

Observations from a night of TV

1. What the heck gives Wheel of Fortune the right to say vowels are more valuable than consonants? 
2. Who are all these “stars” on Dancing with the Stars?  I recognize Steve-O, Denise Richards, and Lil Kim — the majority of which are odd choices for ballroom dancing.

 

Let’s use logic and reasoning. Just one time!

“Caution: Cape does not enable user to fly.”
-Batman costume warning label

I’d like to point out to the makers of this label that Batman doesn’t actually fly at all.  So you’d have to be a pretty stupid kid to try flying in your fake-Batman costume: stupid about physics and stupid about comics.  Does evolution even want that kid around?  I’d like to see more warnings that let people reason things out for themselves.  Things like: 

• “You cannot fly.  Is there any scientific reason a cape would change that?”
• “C’mon now — does it ever make sense to use electronics in the bathtub?”
• “If  ‘bulb temperature reaches 200 degrees’ equals true, and ‘paper burns at less than 200 degrees’ equals true, what does ‘don’t put paper near lamp’ equal?”

 It’s like a math / science test, with consequences!

 

It’s Winnie the Pooh! A bear!!! Oh &*(@

While on a drive with friends this weekend we speculated on what you’re supposed to do in a bear attack.  The answers were:

Frances – I think you’re supposed to make yourself big

Jeff – No, you punch it in the nose.

Ben – You’re supposed to make a loud noise, like banging pots and pans together

Me – I’m pretty sure you’re supposed to cover your head an play dead

We still don’t know what the answer is.  But even more significant is the fact that, in the case of a bear attack, 3 out of 4 of us would wind up dead.

 

Vacation Episode: Over

It turns out my vacation scavenger hunt was a bit trickier than expected.  After being on the cruise, I realize that a more realistic list would have been:

• Seasickness
• A “hairiest chest” contest
• 734 children
• A towel-origami monkey
• A girl who thinks Mick Jagger is one name (McJagger)

 

Live Blogging the President’s Address! Hits through the roof!

9:06 – Like Americans over the age of 70 everywhere, I finally adjusted the rabbit ears to get a clear picture.   I’m thinking how great it is Obama delayed that digital-changeover until June, but doubt that will be brought up tonight.

9:07 – Oh snap!  There’s the president.  Rowl.

9:08 – This incessant handshaking time seems to be as good as any to go use the bathroom and get a snack.

9:12 – The clapping is still going on?  Really?

9:13 – Holy cow!  The president sneaked in a “F— You” among all those thank yous when people were clapping!

9:15 – Joe Biden and I are both bored.

9:18 – Can you imagine having a job where you had to go in back in to work at 9 pm for a meeting?

9:27 – Standing ovation, I’m standing too!

9:40 – Ok, I missed a beat there, but would like to share that Mickey Rourke’s Oscar outfit involved a necklace with a picture of his deceased dog:

9:50 – All of this sounds pretty good.

9:51 – Aaaah!  Taxing the rich!  The humanity!

9:59 – Clearly these congressmen know that the camera zooms on them once in a while – because they are sitting rapt!

10:00 – CEO allstars: collect them all in packs of bubblegum

10:05 – Hooray!  Good speech, amazing updates, what more could you ask for on a Tuesday?

 

Guilty Pleasures

(In order of ascending guilt level)

 

#5 – Puns – I can’t help it.  I like hearing them, I like seeing them, and I spend a lot of mental down-time composing them.  Now I know you’re thinking ‘You’re way to hip for that!’  But just see yesterday’s post for proof.

 

#4 – The Biggest Loser – Overweight people getting yelled at to exercise while I sit on the couch and eat Thai food?  This is like a bad reality TV show and a pun all in one.  Double points to Biggest Loser.  

 

#3 – FDNY Calendar – I shouldn’t feel too guilty about this, since a million people buy it.  But I do… and those million people should too. 

 

#2 – That Miley Cyrus Song – Don’t pretend you don’t know what I’m talking about.

 

#1 – Kitten vs Puppy Videos – If there’s any other use for the internet, I haven’t found it yet.