Huzzah. I win.

Dear Ben,

Hey – you read my blog!  While you’re here I’d like to remind  you that I won this year’s Summer Olympics, and you owe me a plaque.  It doesn’t have to be made of gold per-se, but something with a bit of flashiness to it might be nice.    Also, I don’t want it to be so big that it tears the wall of the apartment down, but anything up til that  point would be perfect.  Let me know if you need me to recommend a good plaque store or if you need help drafting the prose to describe my victory!

I look forward to falling in love with my plaque.  It will be the only thing in our home that truly understands me and how great I am at beating you at things.  One day, we might run off together… my glorious plaque and I.

Love you,

Joanna

 

Things that are handy and things that are not

Dear Township of Washington DC –

My neighborhood organizes the streets in alphabetical order, which is pretty darn cool.  It’s easy to get around and it makes a lot of sense.  You, on the other hand, choose to organize your streets in chronological order of when the states joined the union.  Hmmm.  Not so intuitive perhaps?  I wish I could say I was going to come down there and speak to you face-to-face, but really I would never be able to find you — especially if you live on a street like Georgia.  Who knows about the history of Georgia?  The only people who can find their way around DC are history nerds…. which means DC is not the place for me.

Sincerely,

Joanna

PS> Here are some possible suggestions of alternate ways to organize your streets.  I hope this helps!

• Give your streets numbers instead – have them go in order.  What a sight!
  
• Give your streets the names of foods.  Then, order them by the food pyramid or foods people like to eat (i.e. you’ll know Candy Lane is really far from Oat Bran Blvd!)
  
• Give your streets the names of Bruce Willis movies.  Then, put them in chronological order (this is just like your current system, but with a modern twist)!
  

 

Happy Father’s Day!

Today I had dinner with my parents, which was great. I’d brought a Father’s Day card for my dad, and he mentioned that over the years Father’s Day and his birthday were sometimes forgotten by some of the kids in my family.  I won’t let that happen to me!

So, a reminder for everybody.  Especially you, future kids:  

•   60 days until my birthday
•   75 days until my anniversary
•   Mother’s Day is spring-ish.  Don’t stress too much about it - TV commercials will remind you

 

This means war

Dear City of New York,

I just wanted to let you know that for only 75% of your allotted budget – a mere $75,000 – I’m pretty sure I could kill 2000 geese.   

I hope you will consider my offer.

 

Why Hello Self

Dear Future-Joanna,

Wow, thanks for dropping by the old site!  It’s an honor to have you here.  I know you’re probably really busy running the children’s hospital you started.  Oh and with the Nobel Peace Prize coming up I know blogging hasn’t been on your mind a lot these days… so it’s good to have you here.

I probably can’t tell you very many things you don’t already know, but here are a few tips just in case you’ve forgotten:

• You really like chocolate milk.  Sometimes you forget for years at a time.  But believe me, you love it.  If you haven’t had it in a while, give it a go!
• On the flip-side, you don’t like old movies.  Just give up and stop trying.  I’d hate to think I have to keep watching black-and-white movies in the future. 
• The show WipeOut is hilarious.  If you don’t like it anymore then I am ashamed of what’s become of me.

Anyhow…. if history plays its course then you probably think I’m a total loser (because we both know what a dork 20-year-old Joanna was, am I right?!)  But then again, if history plays its course then you’re just an old nutter who’s out of touch with pop culture.  So ha!

Love you,

Joanna

 

 

Three. Three. Three. Eight!?! Three.

The kids in my family are:   39… 36… 32… … ..24… 21  years old.

Now, I know  you’re out there thinking: “Joanna, you were clearly a shock!”  And you’re right.  The surprising part is how long it took me to figure that out. 

When I was around 11 or so I punched the numbers and came up with that conclusion.  Sitting at the kitchen table I calmly asked my mother whether or not I was an “accident’.  I expected it to be a battle to get the truth out of her.  I was armed with the age differentials and my powers of tantrum.  Instead, she informed me: “Let’s just say you were the only one we didn’t plan on.”

The only one they didn’t plan on?!  Are you looking at those ages?  Now here was a surprise I hadn’t planned on.  It turns out my kid brother was planned so that I would “Have somebody to grow up with.”  Being a hot-shot 11 year-old, I was able to take all of this in stride.  In fact, it was pretty exciting being able to tell my little brother:

“You were born to entertain me.  Go ask mom, she told me so.”

So if you’re out there reading this kid sibling,  give me a call or take me to a movie.  Learn how to juggle or plan a big family vacation for us all.  Whatever it is, just make sure it’s entertaining.  Because we aren’t done growing up yet!    

 

132! 132! I’m getting a tatoo that says 132!

Dear Randomly Generated Facebook Ad for a Crummy Application,

Boy did you get this one right!

(Confusing without context -- this is an ad trying to get Ben to take an IQ test to see where he might "rank" among his friends - none of whom have taken said test)

Well done sirs!

- Joanna

 

Vacation Auto-Response

Hi Everyone,

Thanks for calling / emailing / messaging me!  You’re getting this automated message because I’m on vacation suckas!

How will this effect you?  Well, I’ll probably get back to you at about the same rate I usually do – sometime late next week.  The only difference is that I will be having an amazing time during that week, and you won’t.  In fact, when I get back I’ll have so many excited vacation stories and pictures that we probably won’t even get a chance to talk about whatever you were getting in touch with me for.  Won’t that be great!?

Well, I’ve got to go swim with sharks and beautiful vacation-people.  Try to have an OK week while I’m gone if you can!

- Joanna

 

To the 6 of you:

Dear Trusty Readers,

I see you there on my stats page, and I wanted to say thank you.  I know you aren’t merely the person who got here searching for “David Attenborough” last week or the person who Googled “Brookstone massager” just yesterday.  Rather than suffering disappointment like I’m sure they did – you mean to be here!  Nor were you the folks who clicked on links from other blogs.  No… you are the few, the proud, the readers. 

And you’re probably wondering – what’s with the constant posts?  The answer of course, is that I am 3 weeks into a new blog challenge:

This time it has a logo

Because, like I always say, why do something intrinsically when you can do it extrinsically?  Now that I think of it… there are 7 other participants in the contest.  So… a) this probably comes as a surprise to none of you   and b) which person isn’t reading my blog?!? 

 

Dear Mom (and Dad, since I know you’ll probably repeat this whole thing to him),

Dear Mom,

Who told you about this site, was it my brother?  Oh… it was Facebook?  I’ve always told you that program would lead to trouble, regardless of what you might have seen on Dateline.

The SAME RULES apply here as to my bedroom when I was 15.  Don’t come in.  Don’t look around (no, not even if it’s just to pick up my laundry).  I need my private space and website!!!!!!  Why can’t you just understand that?   Jessica’s mom never reads her blog.

No!  No!  Sometimes I am going to blog past 11 pm!!!!!  Don’t worry about it – I can wake myself up for work the next day just fine – I don’t need your help!!!!!!!!!  Just chill out and leave me alone.  And tell Dad he can’t come here either. 

Jeez, this is so uncool.