Did you know that as a dress code, Informal means “dark suits for him, short dresses for her”?  As far as confusing things go, this one is really out there.  The wording seems like it could ONLY have been invented to mess with people my age who don’t know any better.  

While we’re on the subject I wish I’d chosen Morning Dress for my wedding dress code.  It’s the old-time-iest thing I’ve ever seen.  (It means old fashioned suits with tails OR Scottish Kilts, whichever the guest prefers.  Huh?!?!)

I’ll admit it – when I’m trying to make a compelling argument I’ll sometimes tell lies to make my point.  It isn’t intentional, and it certainly isn’t meant to trick somebody, but in the heat of the moment I think I even sell myself on things that aren’t true. 

Like the time I tried to explain what Marfan’s disease was to my roommates: “You know, Marfan’s Disease: Abraham Lincoln died of it!… Oh shit”

Presented in order of how uncomfortable the moment was!

3. In high school I complimented a girl on how great her teeth were: “Holy cow, you have amazing teeth!  They’re so perfect!”….

A horse had kicked her in the face and her entire mouth (in fact the entire lower half of her face) was artificial.

2. In college I was talking with a coworker about the city I grew up near and how crappy it was – “a ghost town“, “aging“, and “just plain junk“….

Her father was the city planner of the town.

1. My senior year I was talking to a nutrition major about how hard it must be to find meaningful work in the field, because if you aren’t careful you wind up “selling your soul & making junk food for Nabisco”…

She had just accepted a job in the snack department of Nabisco.

When I was in 9th grade my youth group decided to have a “homeless night”.  The idea was that we would all sleep in boxes in the church parking lot and then go door-to-door the next day to talk about our experience and collect food + clothing for the homeless.  There were a few key problems with this idea:

1. It was November (in upstate NY)
2. It was the first co-ed sleepover any of us had ever been to
3. People just aren’t as willing to talk to you when it looks like you slept in a box the night before
4. It rained a lot

So what did I learn about being homeless?  Well, it turns out that it’s really really cold outside, but if it rains hard enough you get to come inside to sleep after all!  Oh, and there’s some kissing, and if you’re lucky then Jessica’s dad let her borrow the portable TV so things aren’t too boring.   Remember to bring candy!

Oh shit

People watching: Pleasant past-time?  Or gateway drug for stalking?

You decide…

The back of my new microwave has a great warning —

Wedding diapers are a thing.  They’re diapers for women whose wedding dresses are so big & elaborate that they won’t be able to use the bathroom during their wedding.   Knowing that fact has given me a new perspective on weddings, and now it is my gift to you.  Enjoy the next wedding you go to!

(Also, I’d like to make it clear that I discovered this fact while browsing a wedding message board on a totally unrelated, non-gross topic.)

Today at a work conference I grabbed a bag of potato chips from the afternoon snack basket.  About half-way through the bag I noticed that they were low fat chips made with Olean.  That’s when I thought to myself:

“Isn’t that the stuff that makes you poop your pants?”

I have a friend who is uncomfortable watching reality TV game-shows (such as my current favorite, the frequently mentioned “Wipe Out”).  Her concern is that people are doing it because they are desperate for money and that we, the viewers, are taking advantage of them by watching them Survive, Wipe Out, and eat bugs and stuff. 

Speaking of which – I never quite get it when Fear Factor makes people eat live bugs.  If you asked people on the street what they were afraid of I don’t think anybody – literally nobody – would say “having to eat a bug.”  Though if I was aboutto go on Fear Factor I would be pretty scared that they would make me eat a bug.  Ahh, ok… I get it now.

But back to the case at hand: I think it takes a certain kind of person to go on reality TV competitions.  When faced with a home foreclosure, loans and medical bills I’m still not sure your average person would think “It’s time for Double Dare!” or “American Gladiators don’t look so tough!”  In fact, by definition your average reality TV contestant has enough time on their hands to watch and apply to game shows, which implies a certain level of leisure.  And also stupidity.

To sum things up, I enjoy watching people get beat up on reality TV, and you should too.