Just a little bit off

Friend: I keep debating, should I get something sweet and girly or something cool?

Me: I don’t know, I’m partial to girly, but you could also go the tough route.

And that was the time one of us was talking about steering wheel covers and the other was talking about vibrators.

 

I’d be GREAT at helping people pick friends

Every time I see the update “So-and-so and whoever are now friends” on Facebook I get the overwhelming urge to leave a comment like “Really? That guy?!?  Barf!” or something similar.

They really need to add a comment button for those.

 

Back and better than ever

I’ve decided to bring back “Fluffy Animal Tuesdays”!  In this week’s edition I present to you the 2 most terrified dogs on the planet:

I actually think "Sharkbait" would be a very good name for a dog.

The worst part for you is that the dog pees on you the whole time. The worst part for the dog is they have no comprehension of parachutes, so for him, it's all over.

 

Topics I Would Like to see on “The Marriage Ref”

1. Husband wants to move to South Dakota.  Wife, like everyone, isn’t sure where that is.
2. Couple can’t agree on what to eat for dinner.  It’s tearing them apart!!
3. Husband raises foxes.  Wife has a henhouse.  Uh oh.
4. Husband claims wife should do all the cleaning because her gender is genetically better at it!  (Anyone want to bet this one turns up in Season 2?)

 

A post in the style of my current reading, Moby Dick

To add insult to injury he picked the WORST train

Moby Dick, or The Fish

(500 pages into the story)

It was the mildest of warm nights the night before last.  Warm enough to make any Godly man think of spring, and extend kindness to his fellow beings on this planet.  For it is a rugged and cursed man who can be iron hearted in the face of such a warm and pleasant evening.  Men such as these are found, but that will be expanded more fully later in this tale.  The breeze gusted from the north with enough force to keep away the mosquitos, those heathens of the southern seas that man from the Americas was not made to withstand, at bay.  It must be that they are blown inland, to tend their nests in the murky bowels of the rainforest and leave good sailors at peace.

During this pleasant evening our entire countenance was focused on one preoccupation – catching the small brown fish!  Such a fish – it is called ‘snapper’ by the common fisherman and I see no need to Google it’s scientific name.  For what can the experience of scientists in their labs and coats without a specimen in sight tell us in comparison to the experiences of real fisherman!

(skip forward 2,000 pages)

At last we had the beast on our cutting board, ready for the slaughter.  (Though I should not call us slaughterers since our pursuit was wholly noble and without any barbarous men present).  In order to present it’s true length we placed a Metrocard on the board to photograph the specimen – knowing that this would be a memory worthy of sharing with all interested parties, children and grandchildren to be sure!  Immediately after the photo, as the shutter slid back in place with the reassuring click these devices have the mischievous subject, our snapper supper, up and jumped on the J train toward Brooklyn!

The End

pg. 2,511

 

Calendar needs

Back in January I wanted to make sure I’d be able to keep-up the anti-inspirational calendar pages for the year to come.  I even went to a few places and asked if they had calendars with inspirational quotes on them…. it was one of the more embarrassing things I’ve done.

Ever.

 

Rite Aid Exploration

For all those times when things get so horrible you just need to throw them away:

AND it's a thong? Sheesh.

 

25 going on 2.5

I was showing my Kindle to an interested stranger the other day when she asked if I was reading Moby Dick for school.  I responded with: “No, I’m a grown-up.”

Are you hearing this nonsense grown-ups?  Why do y’all keep letting me into your bars and R-rated movies?  Stop sending me pre-approved credit cards and info about saving for retirement!  I am clearly not ready to be one of you!!

 

No joke!

Wondering what the several-month-long hiatus was about?  I was busy wrapping up my job and preparing to move to the Caribbean.  (Seriously)  Today marks the first full day in our new home, so prepare for some fun anecdotes about sand, swimming, and doing nothing from here on out.

We were supposed to leave a week ago, but got trapped in NYC because the dog couldn’t fly in the heat wave (the airline’s over-protective-parent rules, not mine).  We’d already given up our apartment, so we drove to CT to stay at my in-laws place and wait for the heat to break.

While there I went to the dentist.  He caused me the usual physical pain with a splash of philosophical pain thrown in:

Dentist: You live in Massachusetts?

Me: No – my in-laws live there.  But we use it as our address.

Dentist: Why are you in Connecticut?

Me: Oh, they have an apartment here that we’re staying at.

Dentist: Where are you from?

Me: Upstate New York.

Dentist: (long pause) So, where do you live?

Me: …. Ummmm, nowhere.

Dentist: Spit.

Me: *spitting*

 

Fear Bonus!

My 10 favorite phobias I came across while looking up the name for fear of heights:

10)  Teleophobia- Fear of definite plans

9)   Cibophobia- Fear of food

8.   Nomatophobia- Fear of names

7)   Macrophobia- Fear of long waits

6)   Euphobia- Fear of hearing good news

5)   Dextrophobia- Fear of objects at the right side of the body

3)   Erotophobia- Fear of sexual questions

2)   Opiophobia- Fear medical doctors experience of prescribing needed pain medications for patients

1)   Hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia- Fear of long words